Choosing love in the face of apathy

Since my last blog post I have been in a heart-sore place. While there are many wonderful things about Lesotho, my least favorite thing here is the crippling apathy that is manifest in every level of society from the way people drive, to the running of government offices, to late payments or worse non-payment of bills... there is this pervasive sense of resignation and nonchalance. It reminds me of the final words from Bohemian Rhapsody:

"Nothing really matters, anyone can see... nothing really matters... nothing really matters to me."

OK for a song I suppose, but for the mindset of a country... not so much.

Fighting against apathy is an exercise in futility - as Solomon wisely observed, it is like beating the wind. A tremendous amount of energy expended and very little to anything accomplished. It's tiring me in every way; mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Yet with this exhaustion, there has been peace and there has been joy too. I know God is with me in this battle and I'm discovering there is still so much in me that needs refining. It is when I am up against apathy that the ugliness in me leaps to the surface. I find that while I'm normally patient, in the face of apathy I easily lose patience. While I'm not using inappropriate language, and I'm not screaming, my delivery could certainly use more gentleness and humility. I keep asking myself, even though I'm upset by their actions, and what I perceive as a lack of care...

Is it my first priority in my interactions with Basotho, that they know I love them, can they see Jesus in me? 

I have a long way to go on the road to Christ-likeness, but I'm grateful that God continues to chip away at my character flaws. I've got to tell you friends, having the ugly in me brought out to the surface - it's not my favorite thing. Who likes having to stare face to face into their character flaws?

The Bible has something to say on this score too...

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." James 1:22-24

Do what it says... what it says more than any other thing is to love. 

Broken

***Warning*** This is about as raw and honest as I know how to be, I've prayed and wondered if I should even share this, but as I was writing to my MAF teammates I realized that many of you who read these words are also my teammates. You care for me, pray for me, financially support me - and you should know how to direct your prayers. I covet your prayers more than ever before and I deeply love you and thank you for carrying me to Jesus, especially in this matter. This was written to my MAF teammates - hopefully it will make sense to you. Please feel free to ask questions or for clarification if you would like to know more.

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from a number I didn't recognize - usually I tend to not answer, but I did. It was one of the Social workers. She called to inform me that another home visit is needed - this is because when she came in August last year, my water meter was broken. I'm sure some of you remember that event and prayed it would all work out for me in spite of not being able to wash clothes or do dishes, clean my home, etc. I had just returned from being away 10 days to discovering the water issue. It was during that holiday that they decided they MUST IMMEDIATELY see my home. It might be worth mentioning they said they were going to come in March... they finally got around to me in August. Are you seeing the pattern here?

All this to say, I shared with 'Me that I was home with a cold and that it wouldn't be possible for me to go to get her, bring her to my home to conduct an inspection and then drive her back to her workplace. I further asked why, when I have called them every month and in fact had done so just last Thursday to confirm the next matching meeting was to be held the following day. (That meeting as you know has been postponed and not yet rescheduled) But I asked why is it that she hadn't ever mentioned the need for another home inspection? I reminded her that I work and were I not home ill, I would have been out at the international airport without my car as I carpool, and wouldn't have been able to drop everything just so they could verify that I have water. And by the way, I told her the water meter was repaired the day after her visit 10 months ago - why is it only now that this has become an issue? I had shared with her when she was in my home that as soon as I dropped her off I was going to WASCO to get the meter fixed - and I did. Does this mean that the past 10 months I really wasn't eligible to adopt? 

I have to be honest, I'm in a bad place. I was tired, I was sick, I was caught off guard and I wasn't as calm as I would have liked to have been. I'm now wondering if I have done irreparable damage to my case. If because Social Welfare cannot or will not plan ahead, I'm now being punished because I was frustrated in my response. When I asked her does this affect my case? Am I not able to be matched until you see my home? When will the next meeting be? She answered by saying, 

"I can see you are upset, we'll talk another time." 

I told her NO, I want to understand since this is the first I am hearing from you in 10 months and what I thought was sorted - seems to now be a problem. A problem you want to resolve immediately but have never mentioned to me until this moment. And unfortunately a problem I'm not in a position to resolve with so little warning.

Friends, I'm as broken as I have ever been... short of the day my Father died (I was 14) and the day I was in the accident involving a child in Mokhotlong (5 years ago) - this has been the most excruciating experience in my life. And the truth is - it isn't about me, not really; it is about the children. Orphans who are institutionalized, and they are the lucky ones as many aren't even in orphanages. Children who are stuck in a system that is run by apathy and nonchalance. Children who don't realize how many people are in line just waiting to welcome them into a loving family. Children who are the innocent victims and who with every passing day will have a harder time adjusting and bonding to loving parents/families. It makes me sick! Truthfully if I could fix the system and it meant I gave up my right to mother one of the aforementioned children, I would do so in a heart beat. I know of several families who wanted to specifically adopt Basotho children but gave up because it was taking so long - they ended up getting children from Ethiopia, Kenya, etc. There are children here that would have had a home, but it was forfeited for them by Social Welfare and their inaction - infuriating!


I'm tired and I'm desperately sad. I want to continue to fight, but it's hard - so hard. These aren't just orphans - these are children, some of whom I know, who know me. They aren't nameless and faceless. I've fed them and held them and smeared vaseline on them after bath time. I've sung and played - I've ached when they cried when I had to put them down and walk away. I know some of their stories and I've cried out to God for them that He would give them a loving home, and a family of their own. That He would redeem the ugly they've already endured in their short lives and restore what the locusts have eaten... You know me, you know my heart and you know how much I have longed for a child of my own. 

I'm honestly not sure where things stand now. I'm nervous that in my exhaustion and aggravation I've shot myself in the foot, so to speak. I covet your prayers as next week I'll have to try and straighten this out and see if I'm even still able to adopt a child. Just typing that and considering it shatters my heart all over again. I need to be able to remain calm, but it is a topic that boils my blood. Children, innocent children made in the image of God, hoping that one day it will be their turn to get a family; are at the mercy of a system which seemingly cares very little about them. God is passionate about families, about caring for orphans - He's placed that passion in my heart and I ache witnessing the injustice of it all... and a lot of it is avoidable. How can I remain calm in the face of such injustice?

Pray God will give me words and peace - He's my only hope.